For those of you who may not know, every year the Jones Soda company releases a collection of unusually flavored soda for the holiday season. New this year (at least new to me) is the addition of the desert pack; a separate collection of 5 pie flavored sodas. The original plan was to convene a panel consisting of myself and 3 friends to write a comprehensive review of this year’s offering.

Unfortunately my panel pretty much self-destructed before it even got started. The webmaster of seventrack.com flaked out and went jogging instead. Cousin Norm of runningshoeguru.com got himself involved in a heated round of Instant Messaging with Mrs. Runningshoeguru(.com), leaving only myself and Other Tony (of whatsonmyxm.com) to taste test the 2006 Holiday Pack. Short-handed, but still willing, we cracked open the first bottle.

Bottle 1 – Dinner Roll Soda: I pretty much expected this was going to be pretty much unswallowable (if it wasn’t before, that’s a word now). My impression was that although it kind of looks like urine, it tastes pretty much like butter. Other Tony found the color reminiscent of water from a brook. He found the taste very similar to popcorn. Cousin Norm popped in just long enough to declare that it tastes just like soda. Whatever it tastes like…it’s not good enough to drink again.

Bottle 2 – Pea Soda: While I can’t be sure, I’m pretty confident that Pea soda smells exactly like a festering scab. Other Tony thought that it actually smells like peas. As for the look of it, both of us pretty much agreed that it looks like swamp water. As for the taste…retched. More specifically, not so much pea as it is dirty celery. Just as with the Dinner Roll, Cousin Norm pins the taste down as soda. Bottom line, it’s nasty, and I couldn’t imagine drinking any more than an ounce of the stuff.

Bottle 3 – Sweet Potato Soda: This one looks the most appealing of any in the dinner pack. It looks a bit like orange Gatorade – it’s bright and one really expects that it’s going to taste orangey. One whiff, however, and it’s pretty clear it’s not a fruity beverage. Other Tony thought that it actually smelled almost like potatoes, me not so much. As for the taste – I’d put it somewhere between fuzzy ass and vomit. All other Tony could muster for a descriptions was “Not at all potatoes”. Cousin Norm stopped by just long enough to declare that it tastes like soda. Again, one ounce is too much.

Bottle 4 – Turkey & Gravy: The signature of the Jones Holiday pack lineup. Colorwise it looks a whole hell of a lot like clogged plumbing. It doesn’t smell like much of anything; maybe a little sugary. As for the taste; other Tony pinned it down pretty good as simply “socks”. I described it as really old turkey covered in barf. Regardless of you one describes it – it’s not good. not in the least. Would you drink puke voluntarily – me neither, so never again.

Bottle 5 – Antacid: After downing the Turkey & Gravy, an antacid seemed in order. Unfortunately the antacid soda itself doesn’t have any actual antacid properties. It looks like Pink Lemonade. It smells like those dry, powdery mints you find in the dish at the hostess station at Red Lobster. The taste itself was kind of minty as well, but with more than a hint of Pepto Bismol. A minty soda is interesting, but not so much that I’d buy another bottle of the stuff.

With dinner safely out of the way (albeit barely) it was time to move on to dessert.

Bottle 1 – Banana Cream Pie: I’d put the look of it at viscous urine. I found the smell to be pretty much identical to those banana shaped runts candies. Other Tony thought it had the stench of kettle corn on it. As far as the taste goes, it does taste mostly like banana cream pie – perhaps a little sweeter, and with a very bitter aftertaste. Once a year is enough for this one.

Bottle 2 – Apple Pie: The classic American dessert right? Not so fast, at least not when it comes in a bottle – especially when that bottle looks like it contains bong water. I think it smells like a pot of Christmas potpourri. Other Tony found the odor to be somewhat woody. While not quite apple pie, it does taste a bit like cinnamon covered apples. Tolerable, but not for every day consumption.

Bottle 3 – Key Lime Pie: There is no mistaking the color of this one. Neon green…just like toxic waste. The smell was very much like limes, and the taste, pretty much just like Key Lime Pie. I’ve got to hand it to them, Jones nailed it on this one. Good enough to drink whenever.

Bottle 4 – Cherry Pie: Man if this stuff doesn’t look like Robitussin. Jones Cherry Pie smell almost identical to a bottle of maraschino cherries, although other Tony put it closer to one of those hostess cherry pies you can get for 89 cents at any convenience store. The taste is closer to grenadine that it is cherry pie, but that being said, I love the stuff. It’s definitely my favorite of the 10 flavors of the holidays. I’d buy this stuff by the case if I could.

Bottle 5 – Blueberry Pie: I think there must have been some sort of mixup at the Jones factory because this one doesn’t taste a damn thing like blueberries. It looks like dimetap, smells like Flintstones vitamins, and tastes like grape Gatorade with bubbles. So basically grape, grape, grape – not a damn blueberry to be found. Mislabeling aside, this is another one I’d drink regularly.

With only two of us sampling the 2006 Holiday pack, I felt like I didn’t have enough to offer a comprehensive review. Stay tuned for part II where I bring in a very special guest taster.