It’s not stretching the truth to say that my wife pretty much prefers that I don’t help out with the grocery shopping. There are few things scarier than me left to wander down the various isles of Hannaford, Price Chopper, or pretty much any other grocery store. The problem is two fold: 1) I’m an impulse buyer. I’ll buy anything so long as it’s unusual. This is how I ended up with such items as Sponge Bottom Square Pants fruit chews, some sort of Spiderman branded fruit beverage (in the Spiderman bottle), Spiderman pop-tarts, Some cereal I don’t even remember with a Spiderman water-web-squirter-thing (not a big hit with Mrs. WTD). What can I say, I was going through a phase. More Count Chocula than any grown man (or child should eat), and well, pretty much anything that’s bright blue or green. I’ve actually been known to point at an item and scream “I want that kind”. And yes…this is all within the last few years. The 2nd problem, as illustrated by the list above, is that I tend to shop like a 4 year old. Sugary cereals, sugary drinks, fruit chews of any kind. Yup…I’m out of control. Goddamnit! I want that kind! (whatever kind it happens to be).

Despite Mrs. WTD’s best efforts there are still some occasions which force me to shop on my own. Me, Cousin Norm, and other Tony have our own super-cool lunch club. Ok, so it’s not super cool, and it’s not really a lunch club. We eat lunch at their house every day. Once every three weeks or so, it’s my turn to restock the lunch box, so off to Hannaford I go (because that’s where the best turkey comes from). I had pretty much made it through without buying anything ridiculous, but then, in what would be the last isle I would walk down, my attention was drawn to a stand display featuring Hillside Self-Heating beverages (powered by OnTech).

Hannaford had a handful of flavors to choose from, but at the silly price of 2 – 9.5oz cans for $5.00 I wasn’t about to try them all. I decided to skip the regular coffee flavor; instead choosing Hot Chocolate (damn right I grabbed the one with the marshmallows), and Vanilla Latte.

Quite frankly, I’m a bit baffled who these beverages are actually for. If you don’t have time to make your own coffee, don’t have time to stop at Dunkin Donuts to pick some up, don’t have a coffee maker in the office, and you’re stupid enough to spend $2.50 to spend on a fairly small amount of coffee (it doesn’t count when I do it), well, I guess you’re Hillside’s guy

I’m no scientist, but I’m guessing these things work pretty much the same way as those handwarmers you can stuff in your mittens. Some sort of chemical reaction takes place and bingo-bango your breakfast beverage is steamy-hot. The important thing isn’t how it work, but rather, what does this crap taste like?

Before I tell you how the tasting went, let’s cover the directions as written on the can.

Step 1:
Turn container upside down. Pull of metal tamper-proof bottom.

Step 2: Place on flat surface. With thumb, firmly push button downward until green water drains. After 10 seconds turn container right-side-up

Whoa! Hold on just a damn minute…Green Water? Well, I do like green things, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little apprehensive about the green water thing.

Step 3:
The spot changes color from PINK to WHITE (5-8 min) when beverage is hot. After spot is white, twist lid to align opening. Shake, Open, and Enjoy!

5-8 minutes…wouldn’t it have been quicker to make it myself, or stop a coffee shop. I beginning to think the Hillside folks haven’t thought this one through very well.

In addition to the directions, there’s a fairly cryptic warning label:

• DO NOT MICROWAVE (so important they actually used a larger font, and bold, all-caps lettering)
• DO NOT POUR OUT (on the label the font is smaller than the microwave thing, but still bold, and all caps. Incidentally, if I’m not supposed to pour it, how do I get it into my mouth?)
• Do not activate if stored above 90 degrees F. Return to room temperature and activate. (I guess if it’s already 90 degrees, you really don’t need for it to heat itself anyway).
• Use only as directed and do not reuse (simple enough – not sure how I’d reuse it anyway)
• Do not use if damaged or emptied. (Damaged I can understand, but why the hell would I try and heat a coffee beverage that already had the coffee emptied out of it?)
• Do not alter or tamper with container to prevent accidental skin or eye contact with heating materials. (Ok, keep the heating junk out of my eyes, and don’t play with it – Roger that.)
• IN CASE OF ACCIDENTAL CONTACT WITH HEATING MATERIALS, FLUSH WITH GENEROUS AMOUNTS OF WATER. (yup…starting to feel a little apprehensive again).

Ok…Safety first…warning labels out of the way…let’s drink some Vanilla Latte.

I followed the instructions and flipped the can over. As you can see from the photo, it looks a lot like one of those microwave soup cans. A lift of the tap and quick pull and the protective seal was removed. Popping the lid revealed the magic button, which you need to push to make the magic happen. I think technically what you’re doing is releasing the quicklime which creates the chemical reaction, which in turn creates the heat that warms the coffee, but since that’s not really very exciting, we’ll stick with calling it magic and move on.

The magic button was easy enough to push. As instructed I counted to 10 and flipped can over. To kill some time, I lifted the can and pressed it to my ear. I didn’t hear the ocean, but I did hear a gritty bubbly sound. There is, I suppose, a chance that what I was hearing was the chemical reaction taking place right there in front of me, but well…I’m fairly certain that what I was hearing was nothing more than the sweet sound of magic.

I did a little bit of work at my desk and waited for my Vanilla Latte to heat itself. After 4 minutes or so, the pink circle on the side of the can had turned completely white. Still, I figured it couldn’t hurt to give it a couple of more minutes. Two minutes later, I decided it was time to drink. I turned the lid to reveal my latte goodness. The immediate problem to content with is that I really didn’t know how hot the the latte was. The problem is further complicated by the directions which instructed me not to pour any out. So here I am with a cup of presumably hot coffee that I’m not supposed to pour. Anyway…what the hell, right, I took my first sip, and much to my surprise, two things were immediately evident.

1. My vanilla latte was pretty much the perfect temperature. Not too cold, and not hot enough to burn your tongue, or anywhere else in my mouth.
2. It tastes good. Damn good. In fact, better than the latte at Dunkin Donuts, but admittedly not quite as good as Starbuck’s.

The next day I repeated the process with Hillside Hot Cocoa with Marshmallows. Everything went well right up until I popped the top on the hot chocolate. There were no damn marshmallows in my hot cocoa with marshmallows. Maybe I’m obsessing a bit, but when I buy hot cocoa with marshmallows, in addition to my cocoa, I also expect to get some marshmallows. I can only assume that any marshmallows that had been in the can had long since broken down and blended with the cocoa. It may have even said as much on the label, but after all that talk about quicklime and chemical reactions, who the hell can focus on something as minute as wether or not actual marshmallows are in the cocoa. Of course, If there were marshmallows in the can, they wouldn’t have fit through the small opening in the can anyway.

Getting over my initial disappointment in not having a marshmallow breakfast drink I took a sip. Once again, the temperature was perfect. And just like the latte it was good, real good – every bit as good as dunkin donuts, and unlike the cocoa from DD, it didn’t burn the skin of the tip of my tongue.

Final Thoughts: The two varieties of the Hillside Self-Heating Coffee line that I tried were both very tasty (I’d drink them again without hesitation). The only real issue is cost. At $2.50 a pop it’s just too damn expensive to make any part of your daily routine. The only situations I can think of where these might actually make sense are for long trips (especially if you’re like to me, and hate to stop – seriously, I’ll piss out the window of a moving car to save two minutes). The other situation where these might make sense is for camping trips. And of course, only those camping trips where a little extra bulk isn’t an issue.

If you’re at all curious about these, give them a try – it’s worth it for the amusement value alone, but as I’ve already mentioned; for $2.50 you’ll never make a habit out of it.