Overview: I didn’t necessarily set out to eat “SpongeBob Squarepants Gummy Krabby Pants” (a NickCandy product). Mrs. WTD called me from Eckerd drug the other day and asked me if I need anything. Like any mature 30-something would, I responded with “CANDYYYYY, BRING ME SOME CANDAYYYYY”. When she asked me what I wanted, I answered simply “Surprise Me”…and surprise me she did. The Deucette knows I’m a big fan of gummy-anything so it seemed like a safe and interesting way to go.

The candy itself is shaped like what I’m guessing is a Krabby Patty. I must confess, I don’t watch SpongeBob, in fact, all I really know about him is that he lives in a pineapple under the sea; absorbent, and porous, and yellow is he. And really, that’s the extent of my knowledge.

The Ingredients: Here at WTD, we’re all about nutrition, so before we eat anything we carefully read the ingredient list just to make sure what we’re about to eat isn’t bad for us. And by us, I mean me. Anyway, with an ingredient list that contains (among other things): Sorbitol, Malic Acid, Food Flavors, Food Colors (that’s right, both the color and flavor of food), FD&C Yellow, and something called Agar-Agar, I knew it was safe to eat.

The Eats: I took a 3-fold approach to eating my patties:

1. Complete, disassembled, piece by piece
   1. The bun (both the top and bottom) had an unusual texture for a gummy candy. It’s sort of like gum that’s just starting to dry out. It was pliable, but only to a point. The color is pretty close to banana yellow (or I guess FD&C yellow). As for the taste, I’m reminded of one of my favorite episodes of Friends. Sufficed to say, “this tastes like feet.”
   2. The meat, or patty-like-thing has a pinkish, skin-tone hue to it. Judging by the texture and taste it may actually be made of skin. It’s sweeter than the bun; if pinned down I would say it tastes like feet dipped in honey.
   3. The green - I’m not sure if this is lettuce or a pickle, or seaweed or whatever the hell goes on a krabby patty. It was the most traditional with respect to gummy texture. I liken it to a stale gummy bear. As for the taste, it tastes like a green gummy bear, which means it tastes very similar to a red gummy bear, or a rainbow colored gummy worm.
      
2. Like an actual burger - As you can see from the picture here, I attempted to eat it as if it were actual food. Unfortunately the collective gumminess made it practically inedible using this technique. As for the blending of flavors, quite simply it tastes like green gummy feet. As bad as that sounds, it was actually better than eating the pieces individually.
3. Microwaved - Admittedly this was a bit of an afterthought, and by the time it occurred to me, I had already eaten the top of the bun and the meat. It only took about 10 seconds to melt into a bubbly goo. Within seconds it cooled into a taffy-like concoction that pretty much stuck to everything it came in contact with. I’m not sure what it says about the product, but nuked clearly resulted in the most enjoyable experience.
   

Final Thoughts: Even if the it was the last gummy candy on the shelf, I’d recommend you go ahead and skip this one. I can’t imagine actual children would like this, but I could be wrong as I haven’t been a child for a good 3 years now (not a typo - 3 years, and 3 years only). As far as where this ranks among other gummies…I’d put it behind gummy bears, gummy worms, gummy coke bottles, gummy sharks, and gummy strawberries. That being said, it does rank slightly ahead of gummy hoof, gummy cyanide, and gummy poop.

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